Jul 22, 2017


Long days in the sun
Or dancing together in the rain
Warm nights with the sound of crickets
Flowers and fine wine
Bumblebees and bonfires
Cotton candy and carnivals
Heat and happiness
Palms and playfulness
Sand and sun
Breeze at the beach
But best of all: You!

Jul 21, 2017

Sail On By

It's time to set sail again
And let the wind take me away
It's time to raise anchor
And hoist the sails
It's time to travelTowards a faraway destination
It's time to look for another port
A new place to call home
It's time to let go of all the old
And go on new adventures
The wind will bring me there
Heel over
Trim the sails
Sail upwind
Smell the sea 
Feel the breeze
Exciting places await
And it's time to explore

Jul 20, 2017

The Old Piano

The old piano stands in the corner
Covered in dust
Desperately longing to be played
Like back in the old days
Tunes of Mozart, Bach
And maybe some Tchaikovsky
Filling the room
Setting the atmosphere
Changing it from dark and dangerous
To cheerful and light
All with a few strikes of the keys
But instead
It is standing there alone
Out of tune
With only memories
And the ghosts of the music
It used to know

Jul 19, 2017

Ode To The Night

I step out, and am immediately surrounded by darkness
The cold air takes my breath away for a few heartbeats
As my eyes adjust, the stars start to appear above, one by one
Almost as if a magician decided to reveal some of his tricks
And I am the audience, amazed by all the wonders
Slowly everything start to appear brighter
And I start to see the details in all the things around me
The trees, the grass, the flowers
Made soft and gentle by the dimmed light
I close my eyes for a while
And listen
Listen to the silence
A soft breeze interrupt the quietness 
As it dances through the treetops
And far away in the distance, a car is headed home
'Most everyone is asleep
While they travel through their land of dreams
They are missing these moments of magic
I open my eyes, and look up
The stars wave down at me
A burst of solar particles light up the sky above
Almost like purple and green fireworks
As I take in all the beauty
I know that it is here, in the night, he will find me

Jul 18, 2017

Romance in Movies

Artist: Donatien Alphonse Fran├žois de Sade
I was watching a movie the other day, a romantic drama, that got me thinking yet again about how romance and love often is portrayed in the movies.

Here's a short summary of the storyline:
A fragile young woman who's been hurt by life falls in love with an angry man who likes to keep to himself, as he too has been hurt by life.

They move in together, he hits her and tells her things such as: "You can leave if you want to, but no one else will want you", and, "You are of less value to me than my dogs and my chickens".

But this sweet and caring woman does not give up. She knows that he's just broken, and that if she loves him enough, is gentle and shows him that she's a kind person, he'll come around.

And that's exactly what happens. Slowly he starts trusting her, and her love turns him into a man who adores her and dotes on her in every way.

Add some romantic music, and you've got yourself a movie.

Remove the romantic music, and you basically have what every woman (and man) in an abusive relationship keeps telling themselves: "My partner has been damaged and is hurting so much, but I know that my love can get through to them and turn them into the wonderful person they really are."

That's why we stay: To try and fix that other person.
Because we've seen glimpses of what they can be like when they are not telling us how worthless we are. They do show us some good, and even amazing sides once in a while. And we keep trying to help them.

So I keep wondering why abusive, stalkerish and controlling traits are promoted as something romantic in movies. Trust me, there's nothing romantic about a guy who wants you all to himself, to a point where he isolates you from all your friends and family.

Your loved one should not be trying to control who you're talking to, what you do. That's not love. And your love and gentleness will, sadly, not turn an abusive person into someone else - no matter what the movies tell us.

There's nothing romantic about domestic abuse.

In the horizon

One day life is going to hit me across the head
And slap me hard with something wonderful
I know it
I can feel it in every cell of my body
But it will not be today

Jul 17, 2017

Cold Winter Night

On a cold winter night
He found me
Laying in the snow

"Did you fall?" He asked
"Yes," I replied

"Let me help you"
He said and put out his hand
For me to grab

"Let me help you,"
I said as I grabbed it
And pulled him down

"Roll over
Make a snow angel
Look at the stars
And the snow sparkling
Like billions of diamonds"

"Thank you," he whispered
And gazed into infinity

Jul 16, 2017

My heart

My heart is a place
with a big sign on the door


Yet every once in a while
Some fool will come in
Maybe he was lost
And took a wrong turn
Or maybe he wanted to see
What was in that forbidden room

Some realize their mistake right away
And run out, leaving only dirty footprints
Others take a look around
And a few decides to check out the blinking panels

They cheekily press the red and green buttons
To see what will happen
But when the alarm goes off
And cracks start appearing in the walls
They all run for cover

Jul 14, 2017

My Knight In Shining Armour

My knight in shining armour
Came riding by on his black horse
He didn't tear my walls down
As he realized I needed them 

Instead he asked to come in
He helped build me a castle
And fiercely fought by my side
To keep the monsters out 

Jul 13, 2017

Too Much

My head is filled with too many thoughts
An over-thinker, they say
My heart is filled with too many emotions
Filled to the point of exploding
If only I could find an off-button
To switch it all off, for a little while
Take a break and live in the moment
To just be
But then I guess I wouldn't be me

Let Me

Let what I feel fill me
But not consume me;
Let me follow what I feel,
But not be forced;
Let me become the kind of soul
Who never klings on too hard,
Who lets go and yet loves;
Let me imagine better worlds,
Yet work in this one;

Let me touch, and treasure, even
People I can never hold,
And let me learn from all my losses;
Let me out and let me in,
And let me see and let me be
A window - maybe broken - but through which
A bit of air and sunlight comes.

- Jack Veasey -

I'm not a religious person. So this poem by Jack Veasey is probably the closest I can ever come to a prayer. It's a prayer to myself, with reminders of what kind of person I was - who I strive to be again. 

Jul 12, 2017


I'm broken
Smashed into a thousand little pieces
By the past
Sloppily glued back together
You can still see the cracks
But if you shine your light through me
At just the right angle
I will show you all the colors of the rainbow

Jul 11, 2017

If I Had a Time Machine

If you ever got the chance to use a time machine and go back in your life and change just one thing, do you know what you'd change? Would you go back and change something? And what do you think the implications would be, if you did?

If I had a time machine, I know exactly when I'd go back and what I would change. I know where I'd go, almost to the minute.

I'd go back to that time when I made a decision that sent me down a dark path, changing me from a carefree, happy-go-lucky 22 year old and into a insecure emotional wreck with trust issues and more baggage than a fully booked Boeing 747.

Looking back, it was a tiny, seemingly insignificant decision...

It was a cold Sunday evening early in October. My beloved stars were out, and the pavement was covered in frost. I had spent the day at my parents' place, and just got off the bus outside my city apartment when I realized that I had forgotten to bring my keys.

I tried calling my roomie, but her phone was off, and I remembered her saying she wanted to go to the movies that day. And I looked at the time, realizing that the movie had probably just started, and that I wouldn't get a hold of her for at least a couple of hours.

I tried calling a couple of other friends, but they must also have been at the movies - no one picked up. So there I was, sitting on the doormat outside my apartment in the cold autumn night, wondering what to do.

As I searched through my pockets yet again for the keys, I happened to find a note. A note with the phone number of a guy that had pestered me at the club the night before. After him nagging for ages, I'd finally given him my number and taken his.

And there, because I was cold and bored, I texted him. And that's how I met my "Darkness", the one who took away all my light.

He was a handsome guy. Charming, funny, intelligent, charismatic. Everyone seemed to love him. And he wanted me. I wasn't really looking for a relationship at the time, so even though I was flattered, I tried to turn him down. But he was the kind of guy that always seemed to get what he wanted.

I'd give anything to go back and change that moment. I could have called the landlord, or gone to a cafe. Something other than texting a guy I didn't really want to hear from. And I blame myself for making that decision.

I keep wondering what I would have been like if I hadn't sent that fateful text.

People keep saying what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. But there are limits to how strong a person should have to be. And I don't feel strong at all. I still to this day feel like a mess, useless and worthless.

What I'd give to change the path of my life from that point... I probably wouldn't be the person I am today. I'd probably still be pretty carefree and happy, probably still have all my friends that disappeared when times got tough.

I probably wouldn't have my dog, and there are some people I probably would never have met. But I'd give anything to be a "normal" person with "normal" reactions and feelings. And not someone who's first instinct is to flee when people get too close.

And, yes, I eventually got on with my life, I managed to leave. I picked myself up, and tried my best to find that girl I had once been. But the scars will always be there. I'll always have strange reactions to situations. And I have so many issues that I don't want to burden people with. 

I think it's pretty unfair that on top of what happened, I will never be the same. That I'll always be worried that people will run away from me if I let them have a glimpse of all the stuff I'm carrying around.

Being quite analytical and logical about how I am, I know that I push people away - and why I do it. I know that the way I react to certain situations is completely bonkers. But there's that little guy on my shoulder always questioning things. Always telling me that no one would ever want me.

I know that life is not a Hollywood movie. I will probably never get that "happy ending" where the right guy comes along and decides to stick by me despite all of my issues. Besides, the relationships portrayed in the movies are often quite unhealthy (yeah, I'm looking at you Edward and Bella). They really aren't something to strive for.

So I've kept it all to myself, and I managed to get by, at times I even forget, at times it feels like it all happened to someone else.

But last Easter something happened that ripped open every scar, and sent me straight back to that moment when you are so afraid that your heart hurts with every single beat, as if a giant hand keeps squeezing it.

I didn't think much of it at first. But it turned out that the Easter incident brought everything to the surface again, as fresh as if I was 22 again. And I tried to ignore the irrational fears, tried to brush off all the feelings that kept popping up. But they just wouldn't go.

I think that's what made me decide, that it's time to tell someone. So I told my best friend, my rock. And she didn't judge, she didn't pity me. She was, and is, just there to support me.

Then I started looking through some of the old poems I wrote, and I started writing a few new ones. It's my way of processing things, getting my feelings down in writing.

And now I'm telling you bits of my story. Because I know that out there there are people who need to hear this, and I couldn't fit all the words into a poem:
You can get away. You can leave. It won't be easy, but you deserve better.

I leave you with a song by Janet Jackson that became immensely important to me at that time:

Jul 10, 2017


Dreams, those magical moments
Where life can be totally different
You can be anything you want to be
Say anything you want to say
Have all the things you've always wanted
Dreams, those lucid momens
Where you can escape reality
Where all the pain goes away
There may be dragons
But you can chase them off with your sword
And maybe save Prince Charming
If he's worth saving


She revolved around him
Like the Earth around the Sun
Never getting too close
His gravity kept her there
Even though she wanted to break free
To explore the universe
But she knew she'd stay
Until one day he'd blow up
And destroy her
Maybe some other star would come by
And pull her away

Jul 9, 2017

Be Kind

Be kind to me, she whispers
For I am fragile and will break easily
Speak softly to me, she whispers
Because I can't take it when you yell
Touch me gently, she whispers
For my scars are still open and hurting
Be kind to me, she whispers
Because I can't take more pain

Jul 7, 2017

Sleep Tight

Early in the morning
I wake up
Just so I can curl up closer to you
And in your sleep
You put your arm around me

And I feel safe
From all the scary monsters
That haunt my dreams

As I close my eyes 
And drift off
I know that you
Will chase my monsters away

Lock You Away

There's a special place in my heart
Where I'll lock you away
Alongside all the others
Who weren't here to stay
That's where I'll keep our memories
And remember through each tear
That even though you are gone now
I will always keep you near

Jul 5, 2017

I Could Live Here

I'd like a house in the forest
Or perhaps one by the sea
A cozy place to watch sunsets
And I'd be happy as can be

Jul 4, 2017

Familiar Places

Have you ever walked around your house
Or another familiar place
At night, in the dark
And noticed how everything you thought
You knew so well
Now seems slightly off

Jul 2, 2017

Little Things of Nature

Drops of dew in the evening grass
Soft moss between your toes
The sound of summer rain
As the day draws to a close